Why Yelling Isn’t Just Noise: What It’s Really Doing to Our Kids and What We Can Do Instead

Dr. Deb Zupito | Certified Parent Coach through the Jai Institute, Founder of Treehouse Minds

Let’s be real, parenting can be loud. And not just because of the kids. Most of us, even the most loving and intentional caregivers, have raised our voices out of frustration, overwhelm, or pure exhaustion. It’s human. But what if we reframed yelling not as a volume problem, but as a nervous system overload? When we raise our voice, we’re often not yelling at our children, we’re yelling from within ourselves. And that changes everything.

The Science Is Clear: Yelling Impacts the Brain Like Physical Punishment

The research is sobering. Consistent yelling has been shown to impact a child’s development in ways that closely mirror the effects of physical punishment. According to the American Journal of Psychiatry and psychiatrist Dr. Len Lantz, yelling activates the brain’s threat response system, triggering a cascade of stress chemicals that affect not just behavior but brain development. Chronic exposure to yelling can shrink areas of the brain related to emotional regulation and increase activity in areas tied to fear and vigilance. The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry echoes this. Yelling raises a child’s cortisol levels, a hormone meant for short bursts of survival, not ongoing family life. Prolonged elevation of cortisol is linked to increased risk for anxiety, depression, aggression, and even changes in immune function.

Why This Matters More Than Ever

Children do not have the neurological wiring to separate my parent is yelling from I am unsafe. To a young brain, yelling doesn’t register as “discipline,” it registers as “danger.” Dr. Dan Siegel, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child, reminds us that children function best when they feel emotionally safe. Yelling disrupts that sense of safety and pulls them out of their learning brain and into their survival brain. As Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson teach, “Connection is the most powerful discipline strategy.” When we shift from correction to connection, we open the door to cooperation, repair, and trust.

So, What Can We Do Instead?

At Treehouse Minds, we support parents in slowing down, getting curious about their own stress responses, and building awareness around the inner storms that lead to yelling. These aren’t just behavior strategies, they are healing strategies. This takes practice, reflection, and real support. But it’s absolutely possible!

Let’s start with one honest question: What’s actually triggering me?

• Am I feeling disconnected from my partner or community?

• Is the invisible weight of parenting burning me out?

• Is my body screaming for rest, nourishment, or quiet?

• Am I managing too many roles with too little support?

When we ask these questions without judgment, yelling becomes less about failing and more about understanding. It becomes a signal, not a character flaw.

Regulation Is a Skillset, Not a Trait

Parenting from depletion makes it nearly impossible to respond calmly. Our nervous systems are wired to protect us, not parent peacefully, when we’re pushed to our limit. That’s why self-regulation is at the heart of what we teach at Treehouse Minds. It’s not about being Zen all the time, it’s about noticing when the temperature is rising and reaching for the tools that cool us down.

Here are a few of those tools in action:

• Deep breaths to cue safety to your brain and body

• Sensory grounding using textures, temperature, or movement

• Reframing thoughts from “Why is my child doing this?” to “What are they trying to communicate?”

• Repair when yelling does happen, modeling accountability and reconnection

  
  

As Dr. Becky Kennedy reminds us, “Repair is where the magic lives.” We don’t need to get it right all the time. But when we circle back and say, “I lost it, and I’m sorry,” we teach our kids that being human is safe, and that love includes repair.

Why Parent Coaching Helps

This is why I created Treehouse Minds, to walk alongside and guide you in the chaos, mess, and the magic. As a certified parenting coach through the Jai Institute and a lifelong educator, I help parents:

• Understand the why behind their child’s behavior

• Break free from reactive patterns

• Develop emotional safety in the home

• Rebuild connection when it’s been stretched thin

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You don’t have to figure it out alone. You don’t have to be perfect. You just must be willing to pause, reflect, and try again. When we return to safety in our own bodies, we help our children return to safety in theirs. That’s how we disrupt generational cycles. That’s how we raise emotionally intelligent humans. And that’s how we parent with purpose, presence, and heart.

Further Reading and Resources

• The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson

• Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy

• Parenting from the Inside Out by Dr. Dan Siegel

• The Power of Showing Up by Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson

• Learn more about parent coaching at www.treehouseminds.com