They Know Better… So Why Do They Keep Pushing Back?

Dr. Deb Zupito

One of the most common frustrations I hear from parents goes something like this: “My child knows not to do that, but they still do it!”

Maybe it's the repeated interruptions, the sibling shove after yet another reminder, or the full-blown battle over bedtime, jackets, or brushing teeth. It can feel like you’re stuck in an exhausting loop, where your voice is on repeat and your patience is on empty.

You are not imagining this. And you're not failing. Here's what’s really going on:

Knowing Better vs. Doing Better

Children do know a lot. But knowing something and being able to consistently do it are two different things entirely. Just like adults, kids get tired, distracted, overwhelmed, overstimulated, and yes, a little spicy when they feel powerless. Add in a developing brain, big emotions, and a world full of expectations, and it’s no surprise that what they “know” doesn’t always match what they do.

Sound familiar? We do it too. We know that sleep is good for us, but we stay up scrolling. We know yelling doesn’t help, but we still snap sometimes. We know how to stay calm, but stress still gets the best of us. The gap between knowing and doing is called being human. And our kids are still brand new at this.

Why They Push Back the Most on What You’ve Taught the Hardest

When your child pushes back in the exact areas you’ve spent time teaching, it can feel personal. But it’s actually a sign that they’re revisiting the learning.

They’re not just testing your limits.They’re testing their safety.They’re asking:

• Can I trust you to hold this boundary again?

• Will you stay calm when I lose control?

• Am I still loved when I mess up?

• Am I safe enough to fall apart here?

And while it’s deeply frustrating (because yes, it absolutely is), it’s also the moment they need you the most. Not to be perfect. Not to have all the right words. Just to be steady. To be present. To be the calm anchor while they ride the storm.

This Is the Work

This is the work of parenting. The repetition. The reminders. The regulation. The holding it together while your child falls apart. But just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not working. Progress is often invisible. Change builds slowly. Every calm response, every boundary held with love, every moment you show up even when you're tired, it matters.

How to Shift the Dynamic

Here are a few things to try when your child keeps pushing back:

• Reconnect before you redirect. A warm touch, a silly face, or a shared laugh can calm the nervous system faster than a lecture.

• Model the behavior you want to see. Kids learn most from what we show, not what we say.

• Hold boundaries with compassion. “I won’t let you hit. I’m right here while you’re feeling mad.”

• Protect your own energy. Tag out when needed, simplify routines, and lower the bar on perfection.

• Expect repetition. Learning takes time, practice, and a lot of do-overs — just like everything else in life.

You’re not alone if you feel worn down. Parenting is full of paradoxes... fierce love and fierce frustration, deep joy and deep exhaustion. But you are doing the work that matters most. You’re showing up. And every time you meet the pushback with presence, you’re helping your child build the skills they need for a lifetime. Let’s stop chasing perfection and start building connection. Let’s get curious, not just corrective. Let’s keep going and GROW together!