Why Parents Need Boundaries Too: A Nervous System Perspective

Dr. Deb Zupito

Parenting today often looks like holding everything at once. The schedules, the emotions, the expectations, the invisible mental load, and the quiet belief that good parents keep going, no matter how depleted they feel. Many parents are not just tired, they are living in a near-constant state of overwhelm.

From a nervous system lens, that matters more than we realize.

According to Dan Siegel, when stress is ongoing and unrelenting, the brain shifts into survival mode. In this state, the parts of the brain responsible for empathy, reflection, flexibility, and thoughtful decision-making become less accessible. The nervous system is not failing; it is doing precisely what it is designed to do when it senses threat or overload.

This is why parents can feel like they are reacting more than responding, why patience feels thin. Why small things suddenly feel enormous. It is not because you are doing it wrong. It is because your nervous system is asking for safety.

Boundaries are one of the most effective ways to create that safety.

When parents say no, pause, or protect their time and energy, the nervous system receives a signal that it is allowed to settle. Safety enables

the brain to move out of survival and back into connection. This is where calm problem-solving, empathy, and emotional regulation live. Boundaries are not about control. They are about regulation.

There is also an essential relational piece here. Children do not just listen to what we say; they feel how we feel. Dr. Siegel reminds us that children borrow the nervous systems of the adults around them. A parent who is constantly overriding their own limits teaches children that exhaustion is normal and that self-neglect is expected. A parent who honors boundaries models self-respect, emotional awareness, and sustainability.

This does not mean parents need a perfect balance or endless self-care routines. It means recognizing that constantly putting yourself last comes at a cost. Chronic stress increases cortisol levels, which can affect sleep, mood, immune health, and emotional regulation. Over time, it can also impact how connected and present parents feel in their relationships.

Taking care of yourself is not stepping away from your family. It is supporting the very system that allows you to show up with patience, clarity, and connection.

And here is the part we often forget.

Parenting was never meant to be done alone. The idea that one adult should carry it all without support is a modern myth, not a developmental truth. For generations, families were held within communities, shared care, shared wisdom, and shared pauses. That village mattered, and it still does.

It takes a village, not because parents are failing, but because humans are wired for connection. Nervous systems regulate in a relationship. Support is not a luxury; it is part of how we stay well.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, stretched thin, or unsure where to turn, know this.

You do not have to do this alone. I am here to support you, to walk alongside you, and to help you build a parenting approach that feels steady, connected, and sustainable.

You were never meant to carry it all by yourself.