Why Parenting Advice Feels Impossible and What Normal Childhood Behavior Actually Looks Like

Dr. Deb Zupito

Parents hear it constantly: Stay calm and present. Use gentle language. Hold the boundary. Regulate yourself first.

And many parents nod along, thinking, 'Yes, absolutely, this is the goal, I believe in this…' right up until their child is screaming because the banana broke in half, and suddenly calm feels like a luxury item not included in parenting.

Here is the part that is often overlooked.

When a child is dysregulated, the adult nervous system does not stay neutral. It responds. Your heart rate increases. Muscles tense. Your brain shifts into protection mode. This is not a personal failure or lack of skill. This is neurobiology doing precisely what it was designed to do.

Research in interpersonal neurobiology shows that nervous systems are contagious. According to Dr. Dan Siegel's work on regulation and attachment, children co-regulate before they can self-regulate. Adults do the same more than we like to admit. When your child is overwhelmed, your body feels it before your logic catches up.

That is why calm parenting advice often feels impossible in the moment. You are being asked to lead while your own nervous system is under pressure. This is not about willpower. It is not about trying harder. It is about understanding what is happening under the surface.

Now, let us talk about "normal” childhood behavior, because this is where parents really get tripped up.

Normal childhood behavior is not linear. It is not quiet. It is not consistent. It is often messiest right before growth. From a developmental lens, what appears to be regression is often reorganization. The brain is forming new connections, integrating new skills, and practicing them imperfectly. Bruce Perry's research on brain development reminds us that children access higher-level skills, such as reasoning and language, only when they feel safe. Stress pulls them down the developmental ladder, not because they are choosing to be difficult, but because their nervous system is overwhelmed.

Yet online, normal has been edited.

Parents are shown polished routines, miracle scripts, and timelines that suggest that if you just say the right thing, your child will comply calmly. Real children did not read that post. The rest of us Parents are left questioning ourselves when development does not follow a straight line.

What looks to be defiance is actually stress. What looks to be a power struggle is actually a child seeking safety. What looks to be a parenting problem is often a nervous system issue.

Here is where I gently interrupt the narrative!

Calm parenting is not about producing calm children; it's about cultivating calmness within yourself. It is about creating enough safety for regulation to emerge over time.

Children borrow calm from regulated adults, but adults need support, understanding, and realistic expectations to do that sustainably. You cannot override biology with a script. You can work with it.

This is why I discuss nervous systems, prosocial behavior, and development in such detail. When parents understand what is beneath the behavior, they stop taking it personally. Expectations shift. Responses soften. Connection replaces constant correction.

Parenting does not get easier because children stop having big feelings. It gets lighter because parents stop believing those feelings mean something is wrong.

You are not failing because it feels hard. It feels hard because development is demanding. And because parenting was never meant to be done alone, without context, without support, and without an extensive toolbox.

Children do well when they can. Parents do well when they are supported.

If calm feels out of reach some days, that is information, not failure. And if normal childhood behavior feels louder than expected, congratulations, you are parenting a real child, not a highlight reel.

Take a breath. Lower the pressure. Build safety first. The rest grows from there.