When Fixing Everything for Your Child Becomes the Problem

Why allowing children to experience disappointment, with our support, may be one of the greatest gifts we can give them.

By Dr. Deb Zupito

Picture this. You are driving home after a long day when your child remembers that they wanted to stop for ice cream. You explain that dinner is waiting, and ice cream is not happening today.

The crying begins. Then the kicking, the pleading, and the negotiations from the back seat. You try reasoning. You mention the ice cream in your freezer. Nothing helps. Your patience is hanging on by a thread, and turning the car around starts to sound like a perfectly reasonable decision.

So you do. The crying stops. Peace is restored. Or is it?

As parents, we want to comfort our children when they are upset. That instinct comes from love. But comforting a child through disappointment is different from making the disappointment disappear. When we repeatedly change a reasonable decision because a child’s protest has grown louder, we may unintentionally make the next difficult moment harder.

This does not mean a child is deliberately manipulating us. Young children are still learning to manage frustration and respond when things do not go their way. They are also learning from what happens next. If screaming repeatedly leads to ice cream, screaming may become part of the strategy. And honestly, if a strategy works, why would a preschooler abandon it?

Disappointment Needs Support, Not an Immediate Fix

Resilience grows through small, manageable challenges: waiting for a turn, losing a game, struggling with a puzzle, or hearing no. Research from Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child emphasizes that manageable stress within safe, supportive relationships can contribute to healthy development. Dr. Dan Siegel’s work also reminds us that children develop emotional regulation through connection and repeated experiences with caring adults.

That is why a screaming three-year-old rarely responds to a thoughtful explanation of the family schedule. In that moment, they need help with the feeling.

You might say, “I know you really wanted ice cream. You are disappointed. It’s okay to be upset, and we’re still going home. I’m right here with you.”

The feeling is acknowledged. The boundary remains. Your child does not have to stop crying to receive your care.

This is connection before correction. The message is: Your feelings matter. I will help you through them. And the decision can still stand.

Of course, consistency does not mean rigidity. Sometimes distress tells us a child is overwhelmed, exhausted, or facing a demand they cannot manage yet. We can stay curious and adjust when needed. The goal is to make a thoughtful choice, rather than letting every escalation make the choice for us.

Let Them Struggle, but Stay Beside Them

One day, our children will face disappointments we cannot fix. A friend may choose another playmate. They may work hard at something and still fall short. We cannot prevent every hard feeling, but we can help them discover that they are capable of moving through one.

When a child struggles to put on their shoes, we can encourage another try and offer help when needed. When two children disagree over a toy, we can help them express their needs without immediately deciding the outcome for them. Support gives children room to practice.

The next time your child is disappointed, pause before rushing to fix it. Notice what they need. Offer comfort. Hold the boundary when it makes sense, and give them time to move through the feeling.

Sometimes our children do not need us to make everything better. They need us to believe that, with our support, they can get through something hard.

And sometimes that lesson begins with a very disappointed preschooler in the back seat of a car. No ice cream required.

Strong Roots. New Perspectives. Unlimited Potential.