Potty Training Is Not a Test You Are Failing

Why I Wrote This

I wrote this after one too many late-night scrolls through potty training posts and one too many daily conversations that start with, Is this normal, or, What am I doing wrong. I see parents who love their children deeply apologizing for accidents, questioning their instincts, and carrying far more stress around toilet learning than anyone ever warned them about.

The worry is loud. The advice is conflicting. The timelines are rigid. Everyone online seems to have a miracle method, a countdown chart, or a cousin’s child who potty-trained in a weekend. Meanwhile, real families are living through wet pants, power struggles, missed naps, and coffee that went cold hours ago.

This was written as a pause button. A deep breath. A reminder that potty training is not a measure of good parenting, children are not problems to fix, and development does not move on a stopwatch. If this feels familiar, you are exactly who I wrote this for.

Dr Deb Zupito

URGENT MESSAGE!!!

Before we go any further, let’s clear something up. Potty training is not a race, a competition, or a parenting report card. It is a developmental process, and like all development, it unfolds on its own timeline.

Before you read another potty training post that makes you feel behind or broken, pause right here. The internet has managed to turn a normal developmental milestone into an emotional obstacle course, and parents are paying the price. Every day, I hear parents quietly wondering if something is wrong with them or their child.

Let me be very clear. Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with your child!!!

What Development Actually Tells Us

Every child eventually learns to use the toilet. Every single one. No exceptions. Development simply does not work well under pressure.

Research in early childhood development consistently shows that learning happens best when children feel safe, supported, and emotionally regulated. Neuroscience helps explain why. When children feel pressured, rushed, or pulled into power struggles, their nervous system can shift into fight, flight, or freeze. In that state, the brain is focused on protection rather than learning.

Studies examining stress and learning show that elevated stress hormones interfere with self-regulation and skill acquisition. Calm, responsive caregiving does the opposite. It supports brain development and creates the conditions in which learning can actually occur.

Why Pressure Slows the Process

Research on toilet learning patterns indicates that approaches grounded in patience, responsiveness, and child readiness tend to result in fewer struggles and less resistance over time. In contrast, high adult anxiety and coercive methods often create prolonged power struggles and setbacks.

This mirrors decades of developmental research across all skills, not just potty training. Predictability, emotional safety, and attuned communication are the ingredients that help children learn. In simple terms, when adults stay calm and connected, children's bodies and brains are more able to cooperate.

When It Feels Like a Battle

If potty training feels like a battle, that is information, not failure. It is feedback that something in the environment, the expectations, or the nervous system needs support.

Lowering the pressure is not giving up. It is a strategic, science-

backed reset. Sometimes the most supportive thing we can do is slow down, adjust expectations, and restore a sense of safety and predictability.

The Path Forward

What actually helps is consistency, love, patience, presence, and calm language. Not perfection. Not urgency. And definitely not turning bathroom trips into negotiations worthy of a reality show.

When children feel safe and supported, their nervous systems settle. When the nervous system settles, learning follows. Potty training then unfolds calmly and confidently, right on time for each child.

And yes, one day this will be a story you laugh about, probably while someone else is panicking on the internet and you are sipping warm coffee, because you finally get to drink it while it is still hot!