Parenting Then and Now: Building Bridges Across Generations

Dr. Deb Zupito

Each generation of parents does the best they can with what they know, yet it’s so easy to look at the next and think, ‘they're doing it differently.’ Maybe your grandparents thought your parents were too easy, and your parents might feel you’re a little too soft. Someday, your kids will believe their way is the right way, too. Parenting is really like a relay, each of us carrying the baton of love, even as the rules shift and the finish line keeps moving.

Why Today’s Parenting Looks Different

Generations ago, if a child cried in the grocery store or in public, parents might have said, ‘Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.’ Today, you might hear: ‘I see you're upset. Let’s take some deep breaths together.

Here’s the difference:

Then: Parents were teaching survival, obedience, and respect.

Now: Parents are teaching self-awareness, emotional regulation, and problem-solving.

Neither is wrong; it’s just that the research now tells us that emotional intelligence is as important as academic intelligence for long-term success.

Where Shame and Blame Come From

For many in older generations, discipline was tied to love. A child was corrected harshly, not because parents didn't care, but because they thought it would prepare them for a hard world. But children often internalize those corrections as shame (‘I am bad’) rather than guidance (‘I did something bad’). That shame didn’t start at home; it came from culture. Schools rewarded compliance. Workplaces valued silence over voice. Communities reinforced the idea that children needed 'toughening up.' Parents weren’t failing; they were following the rules of their world. Today’s parents, armed with research, are trying to stop that cycle not by blaming the past, but by breaking free from it.

What the Research Says

• Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson: Kids who feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure grow up with better stress regulation.

• John Gottman's emotion coaching: Validating a child's feelings leads to stronger emotional regulation.

• Harvard Center on the Developing Child: Early experiences wire the brain. Responsive relationships build strong brain architecture.

• Polyvagal Theory (Stephen Porges): Children's nervous systems need co-regulation, not punishment, to return to calm.

Real-Life Scenarios: Then vs. Now

Scenario 1: The Dinner Table

Then: “You will sit there until your plate is clean.”Now: “You don’t have to finish everything, but this is dinner. You can choose chicken with or without peas.”Why it matters: Today’s approach reduces shame and power struggles, while still setting limits. Plus, no more kids hiding green beans in their socks.

Scenario 2: Talking Back

Then: “Don’t talk to me like that. Go to your room.”Now: “You can tell me you’re frustrated, but not with hurtful words. Try again so I can hear you.”Why it matters: The child learns respectful communication without internalizing blame.

Scenario 3: The Grocery Store Candy Aisle

Then: A child cried in the checkout line for candy. The parent’s response: “Stop it right now or you’re getting nothing when we get home.”Now: The parent kneels down and says: “I know you really want the candy, and it’s hard to hear no. We’re not buying it today, but you’re safe. I’m here with you.”Why it matters: Shame shuts children down, while connection helps them regulate. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, people might stare. But the long-term payoff is resilience and trust.

Tips for Grandparents

• Lead with curiosity, not correction. Ask, “Tell me more about why you handle tantrums that way.

• Offer wisdom without judgment. Instead of “We never did that,” try “When you were little, I handled tantrums differently. I love learning about how you do it.”

• Join in with play. Your grandchild doesn't need a second parent; they need a safe, loving adult. Yes, you're allowed to be the fun one.

• Remember: Shame and blame were cultural norms, not personal failures. Letting go of judgment lets everyone breathe easier.

Tips for Parents

• Explain the why: Share a short fact instead of a lecture. “Research shows when kids feel heard, they calm faster.”

• Invite grandparents in: Ask them to read a book, teach a skill, or share family stories.

• Acknowledge the roots: “I learned my work ethic from you. I’m adding emotional coaching because we know more now.”

• “Relax, Mom. I’m not raising a brat, I’m raising a future adult who won’t have to unpack quite as much in therapy as I did.

 

Shared Goal

At the heart of it, everyone wants the same thing: children who are safe, loved, and thriving. Grandparents gave grit, resilience, and stability. Today’s parents are adding emotional intelligence and self-regulation. Together, children get the best of both worlds.

Resources for Families

No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson

Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel & Mary Hartzell

Harvard Center on the Developing Child: developingchild.harvard.edu

Shame and blame belonged to an era where parents were told that’s what love looked like. Today, love looks like voice, empathy, and connection. Both are valid, both were done with love, and both have value. The real magic happens when we honor the past, embrace the present, and raise the future together!